The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 2, Scene 3

    comedy

    A field near Windsor.

    Scene Summary

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    Evans and Caius both arrive to fight their duel but at different locations, each having been misdirected by the Host of the Garter Inn. They wait separately in different fields and are made fools of. When they find out, they realise the Host has played them both. They end their quarrel and join forces against him.

    Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Jack Rugby!
    RUGBY
    Sir?
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Vat is de clock, Jack?
    RUGBY
    'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he
    has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar,
    Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
    RUGBY
    He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill
    him, if he came.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him.
    Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
    RUGBY
    Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Villany, take your rapier.
    RUGBY
    Forbear; here's company.
    Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE
    Host
    Bless thee, bully doctor!
    SHALLOW
    Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
    PAGE
    Now, good master doctor!
    SLENDER
    Give you good morrow, sir.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
    Host
    To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee
    traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to
    see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
    distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is
    he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my
    AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is
    he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he
    is not show his face.
    Host
    Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or
    seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
    SHALLOW
    He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of
    souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should
    fight, you go against the hair of your professions.
    Is it not true, Master Page?
    PAGE
    Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
    fighter, though now a man of peace.
    SHALLOW
    Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of
    the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
    make one. Though we are justices and doctors and
    churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our
    youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
    PAGE
    'Tis true, Master Shallow.
    SHALLOW
    It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor
    Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of
    the peace: you have showed yourself a wise
    physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise
    and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
    Host
    Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Mock-vater! vat is dat?
    Host
    Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de
    Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me
    vill cut his ears.
    Host
    He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
    Host
    That is, he will make thee amends.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me;
    for, by gar, me vill have it.
    Host
    And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Me tank you for dat.
    Host
    And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, and
    Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
    through the town to Frogmore.
    Aside to them
    PAGE
    Sir Hugh is there, is he?
    Host
    He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will
    bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
    SHALLOW
    We will do it.
    PAGE
    SHALLOW
    SLENDER
    Adieu, good master doctor.
    Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a
    jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
    Host
    Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
    water on thy choler: go about the fields with me
    through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress
    Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou
    shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you;
    and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl,
    de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
    Host
    For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
    Page. Said I well?
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
    Host
    Let us wag, then.
    DOCTOR CAIUS
    Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
    Exeunt