Troilus and Cressida: Act 5, Scene 1

    tragedy

    The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.

    Scene Summary

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    Achilles receives two letters: one from Queen Hecuba and one from the Trojan princess Polyxena, renewing the oath he made to stay out of the war for her sake. He resolves again to remain inactive. Thersites observes the Greeks' behaviour with contemptuous commentary.

    Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
    ACHILLES
    I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
    Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
    Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
    PATROCLUS
    Here comes Thersites.
    Enter THERSITES
    ACHILLES
    How now, thou core of envy!
    Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
    THERSITES
    Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol
    of idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
    ACHILLES
    From whence, fragment?
    THERSITES
    Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
    PATROCLUS
    Who keeps the tent now?
    THERSITES
    The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.
    PATROCLUS
    Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
    THERSITES
    Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:
    thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.
    PATROCLUS
    Male varlet, you rogue! what's that?
    THERSITES
    Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases
    of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,
    loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold
    palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing
    lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
    limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the
    rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take
    again such preposterous discoveries!
    PATROCLUS
    Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest
    thou to curse thus?
    THERSITES
    Do I curse thee?
    PATROCLUS
    Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
    indistinguishable cur, no.
    THERSITES
    No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle
    immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet
    flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's
    purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered
    with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
    PATROCLUS
    Out, gall!
    THERSITES
    Finch-egg!
    ACHILLES
    My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
    From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
    Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
    A token from her daughter, my fair love,
    Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
    An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
    Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
    My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
    Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:
    This night in banqueting must all be spent.
    Away, Patroclus!
    Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
    THERSITES
    With too much blood and too little brain, these two
    may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too
    little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.
    Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one
    that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as
    earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter
    there, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,
    and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty
    shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's
    leg,--to what form but that he is, should wit larded
    with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?
    To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to
    an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a
    dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an
    owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would
    not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
    against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I
    were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse
    of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!
    spirits and fires!
    Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights
    AGAMEMNON
    We go wrong, we go wrong.
    AJAX
    No, yonder 'tis;
    There, where we see the lights.
    HECTOR
    I trouble you.
    AJAX
    No, not a whit.
    ULYSSES
    Here comes himself to guide you.
    Re-enter ACHILLES
    ACHILLES
    Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
    AGAMEMNON
    So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
    Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
    HECTOR
    Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general.
    MENELAUS
    Good night, my lord.
    HECTOR
    Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
    THERSITES
    Sweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,
    sweet sewer.
    ACHILLES
    Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
    That go or tarry.
    AGAMEMNON
    Good night.
    Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS
    ACHILLES
    Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
    Keep Hector company an hour or two.
    DIOMEDES
    I cannot, lord; I have important business,
    The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
    HECTOR
    Give me your hand.
    ULYSSES
    [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to
    Calchas' tent:
    I'll keep you company.
    TROILUS
    Sweet sir, you honour me.
    HECTOR
    And so, good night.
    Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following
    ACHILLES
    Come, come, enter my tent.
    Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR
    THERSITES
    That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most
    unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers
    than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend
    his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:
    but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it
    is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
    borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his
    word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than
    not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan
    drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll
    after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!
    Exit