The Two Gentlemen of Verona: Act 2, Scene 5

    comedy

    The same. A street.

    Scene Summary

    Skip to text ↓

    Speed and Launce meet in the streets of Milan and compare notes on their masters' romantic situations. Launce claims to have a new girlfriend and reads Speed a list of her qualities — some good, some very bad — from a scrap of paper. The comedy is broad and deliberately low. The scene gives the audience a breather before Proteus commits to his treachery.

    Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally
    SPEED
    Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan!
    LAUNCE
    Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not
    welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never
    undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a
    place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess
    say 'Welcome!'
    SPEED
    Come on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you
    presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou
    shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how
    did thy master part with Madam Julia?
    LAUNCE
    Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very
    fairly in jest.
    SPEED
    But shall she marry him?
    LAUNCE
    No.
    SPEED
    How then? shall he marry her?
    LAUNCE
    No, neither.
    SPEED
    What, are they broken?
    LAUNCE
    No, they are both as whole as a fish.
    SPEED
    Why, then, how stands the matter with them?
    LAUNCE
    Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it
    stands well with her.
    SPEED
    What an ass art thou! I understand thee not.
    LAUNCE
    What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My
    staff understands me.
    SPEED
    What thou sayest?
    LAUNCE
    Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean,
    and my staff understands me.
    SPEED
    It stands under thee, indeed.
    LAUNCE
    Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one.
    SPEED
    But tell me true, will't be a match?
    LAUNCE
    Ask my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no,
    it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will.
    SPEED
    The conclusion is then that it will.
    LAUNCE
    Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable.
    SPEED
    'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest
    thou, that my master is become a notable lover?
    LAUNCE
    I never knew him otherwise.
    SPEED
    Than how?
    LAUNCE
    A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.
    SPEED
    Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me.
    LAUNCE
    Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master.
    SPEED
    I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover.
    LAUNCE
    Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself
    in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse;
    if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the
    name of a Christian.
    SPEED
    Why?
    LAUNCE
    Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to
    go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go?
    SPEED
    At thy service.
    Exeunt