The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 4, Scene 2

    comedy

    A room in FORD'S house.

    Scene Summary

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    Falstaff returns to Mistress Ford. Again Mistress Page arrives with a warning: Ford is on his way and has been told about the laundry basket. The wives dress Falstaff as the old woman of Brentford and smuggle him out — Ford, who has always disliked this woman, beats the disguised Falstaff out of the house with his own hands. The wives then tell their husbands the whole truth. The four of them plan a final, public humiliation.

    Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD
    FALSTAFF
    Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my
    sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,
    and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not
    only, Mistress Ford, in the simple
    office of love, but in all the accoutrement,
    complement and ceremony of it. But are you
    sure of your husband now?
    MISTRESS FORD
    He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    [Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
    MISTRESS FORD
    Step into the chamber, Sir John.
    Exit FALSTAFF
    Enter MISTRESS PAGE
    MISTRESS PAGE
    How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?
    MISTRESS FORD
    Why, none but mine own people.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Indeed!
    MISTRESS FORD
    No, certainly.
    Aside to her
    Speak louder.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Why?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:
    he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails
    against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's
    daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets
    himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer
    out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but
    tameness, civility and patience, to this his
    distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Why, does he talk of him?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the
    last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests
    to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and
    the rest of their company from their sport, to make
    another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad
    the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
    MISTRESS FORD
    How near is he, Mistress Page?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
    MISTRESS FORD
    I am undone! The knight is here.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a dead
    man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away
    with him! better shame than murder.
    FORD
    Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?
    Shall I put him into the basket again?
    Re-enter FALSTAFF
    FALSTAFF
    No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go
    out ere he come?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the door
    with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise
    you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
    FALSTAFF
    What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
    MISTRESS FORD
    There they always use to discharge their
    birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
    FALSTAFF
    Where is it?
    MISTRESS FORD
    He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
    coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
    abstract for the remembrance of such places, and
    goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
    FALSTAFF
    I'll go out then.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir
    John. Unless you go out disguised--
    MISTRESS FORD
    How might we disguise him?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown
    big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,
    a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
    FALSTAFF
    Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather
    than a mischief.
    MISTRESS FORD
    My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a
    gown above.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
    is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler
    too. Run up, Sir John.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will
    look some linen for your head.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put
    on the gown the while.
    Exit FALSTAFF
    MISTRESS FORD
    I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he
    cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears
    she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath
    threatened to beat her.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the
    devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
    MISTRESS FORD
    But is my husband coming?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket
    too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
    MISTRESS FORD
    We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the
    basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as
    they did last time.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him
    like the witch of Brentford.
    MISTRESS FORD
    I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the
    basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
    Exit
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
    We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
    Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:
    We do not act that often jest and laugh;
    'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
    Exit
    Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
    MISTRESS FORD
    Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:
    your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it
    down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
    Exit
    First Servant
    Come, come, take it up.
    Second Servant
    Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
    First Servant
    I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
    Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
    FORD
    Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
    way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,
    villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!
    O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a
    pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil
    be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!
    Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
    PAGE
    Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go
    loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
    SIR HUGH EVANS
    Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!
    SHALLOW
    Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
    FORD
    So say I too, sir.
    Re-enter MISTRESS FORD
    Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest
    woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that
    hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect
    without cause, mistress, do I?
    MISTRESS FORD
    Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in
    any dishonesty.
    FORD
    Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!
    Pulling clothes out of the basket
    PAGE
    This passes!
    MISTRESS FORD
    Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
    FORD
    I shall find you anon.
    SIR HUGH EVANS
    'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's
    clothes? Come away.
    FORD
    Empty the basket, I say!
    MISTRESS FORD
    Why, man, why?
    FORD
    Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed
    out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may
    not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:
    my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.
    Pluck me out all the linen.
    MISTRESS FORD
    If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
    PAGE
    Here's no man.
    SHALLOW
    By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
    wrongs you.
    SIR HUGH EVANS
    Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
    imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
    FORD
    Well, he's not here I seek for.
    PAGE
    No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
    FORD
    Help to search my house this one time. If I find
    not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let
    me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of
    me, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollow
    walnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;
    once more search with me.
    MISTRESS FORD
    What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman
    down; my husband will come into the chamber.
    FORD
    Old woman! what old woman's that?
    MISTRESS FORD
    Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
    FORD
    A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
    forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does
    she? We are simple men; we do not know what's
    brought to pass under the profession of
    fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,
    by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond
    our element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,
    you hag, you; come down, I say!
    MISTRESS FORD
    Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him
    not strike the old woman.
    Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
    FORD
    I'll prat her.
    Beating him
    Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you
    polecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,
    I'll fortune-tell you.
    Exit FALSTAFF
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the
    poor woman.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
    FORD
    Hang her, witch!
    SIR HUGH EVANS
    By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch
    indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;
    I spy a great peard under his muffler.
    FORD
    Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;
    see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus
    upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
    PAGE
    Let's obey his humour a little further: come,
    gentlemen.
    Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most
    unpitifully, methought.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the
    altar; it hath done meritorious service.
    MISTRESS FORD
    What think you? may we, with the warrant of
    womanhood and the witness of a good conscience,
    pursue him with any further revenge?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of
    him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with
    fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the
    way of waste, attempt us again.
    MISTRESS FORD
    Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the
    figures out of your husband's brains. If they can
    find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight
    shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be
    the ministers.
    MISTRESS FORD
    I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: and
    methinks there would be no period to the jest,
    should he not be publicly shamed.
    MISTRESS PAGE
    Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I would
    not have things cool.
    Exeunt